The maid of honor just puked.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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