the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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