Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
