shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
wanna go halves on a baby?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
