$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
