How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
