He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
