Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
