After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
