your parents love me but you hate me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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