Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
