i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
