True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
