Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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