I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
