a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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