The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
