By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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