she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
