i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
