nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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