how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
