i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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