can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
