here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
