If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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