btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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