Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
This is my gift to your gina
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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