dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just google imaged poop.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
