Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
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Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
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I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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