birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
