You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
