We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
