I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
