gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We talked him into tasing himself.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
