I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
