so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
