There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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