I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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