my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
only if we run a train.
done.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
