yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
