I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
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Best friends brother. Beat that.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
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People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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