Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
