I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I want her autograph on my taint
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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