it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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