I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
