I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
