I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
