i need an iv and a liver transplant
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
