No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Randomize
