so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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