i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
