drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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