so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
