i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
