my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
