apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
