Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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