I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
