I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
