My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
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