have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
This house was built for laser tag.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
