I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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