I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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