I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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